


Eeny Meeny Miny Ben

by theemdash



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Gallows Humor, Gen, Humor, Mission Reports, Parental Care, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 02:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18273659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theemdash/pseuds/theemdash
Summary: Sir Reginald Hargreeves’ notes and experiments regarding the progress of Number Four’s powers. Sacrifices must be made to foster potential.





	Eeny Meeny Miny Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to momebie for listening to me cackle about this idea for the last month and for the quick glance before posting.
> 
> This fic was born entirely from me musing about how much of an asshole Reggie is.
> 
> Opening epigraph taken from "Apocalypse Suite" #2. Some ideas and phrasing picked up from the personal notes of Sir Reginald Hargreeves in "Apocalypse Suite" #1.

“In closing, I’d like to point out that I never desired to break the children.  
I merely sought to foster their potential—which was unfortunately never that vast.”  
—Sir Reginald Hargreeves, during his acceptance  
speech at the National Thallium Awards

**Number Three**

Observation confirms Number Four comforts Number Three during moments of weakness and has shown protective instincts toward her. The scenario is simple: divide and isolate so that Number Three remains alone with Dr. Terminal. Given enough time, he’ll do the job. It will be a gruesome end for Number Three, and a great loss given the versatility of her powers, but she is narcissistic, willful, and sentimental—not at all the soldier she should be. Her loss should kick start Number Four’s true potential as he fights to reconnect with his lost sibling.

Additional incentive: Eliminating Number Three will allow Number One fewer distractions and greater focus.

 **Report:** The scenario did not account for the fact that Number One is irrevocably and unfortunately attached to Number Three, despite his position as team leader. He immediately noticed her absence and retasked the team to find her. The recovery was swift, ensuring Number Three received no permanent damage. (See subsection regarding limb reattachment.) No further development in Number Four’s powers.

Number One is unlikely to lose sight of Number Three again while on a mission, so another member of the group will have to be sacrificed.

 

**Number Two**

Number Two is easier to isolate given his penchant for racing headlong into danger. He is desperate to prove himself against Number One, and therefore predictably reckless. His competitiveness and eagerness makes him a logical selection, and while his powers are developing at an adequate pace, his loss will be no great detriment to the Academy. (The loss of his insolence may even be good for morale.) Number Two looks out for Number Four in training exercises, always ensuring Number Four’s safety, so that bond may be useful in sparking Number Four’s drive to recall Number Two from the afterlife.

 **Report:** Despite being swallowed by a bulletproof mutant alligator, Number Two was able to carve his way out of the monster’s stomach—apparently only the exterior of the alligator was lined with steel. Once Number Two had cut through its internal organs, he was able to climb from the carcass without difficulty. Number Two seems unlikely to fall prey to any obvious dangers—he is more paranoid than previously assessed—so his future use in the development of Number Four’s powers may be limited. Pity. 

 

**Number Five**

Number Five and Number Four show no discernible interest in each other, therefore the experiment pitting Number Five against the Indefatigable Man may not yield the desired results. However, I personally tire of Number Five's arrogance leading him to insist he can handle things well above his expertise and will be content just to be rid of him.

 **Report:** Number Five was not only able to evade capture, but he outsmarted and defeated the Indefatigable Man, who as it turns out is fatigable, at least for a teleporting eleven year old. It seems unlikely another scenario could be devised that will put Number Five into significant peril, thus rendering Number Five an insufficient candidate for further developing Number Four's powers.

 **Addendum:** Number Four is unable to contact Number Five after his disappearance. The meaning is inconclusive.

 

**Number Seven**

Few scenarios can be devised to place Number Seven in reasonable or accidental danger. It seems unlikely she’ll be killed by her violin. Placing her in actual danger also seems unwise. While the medicinal cocktail keeps her emotions in check, heightened situations could have an unexpected and adverse effect, killing far more members of the Academy than desirable. No, sadly Number Seven is once again useless.

 

**Number One**

No. While flawed, Number One excels in all tasks, is easily manipulated, and his dedication to the cause borders on inhuman. While all others are expendable, he is key to the continued existence of this planet. 

Also Number Four seems oblivious to his existence. It is unlikely his absence would register in an appreciable way.

 

**Number Six**

**Report:** Most unexpectedly Number Six perished in combat. It was . . . most gruesome, for the assailants and for Number Six. I regret that, given the injuries, Number Four will be unwilling to channel or interact with the spirit of Number Six. A horrible shame all around. If the death had been carefully planned, I am assured Number Six would have inspired the correct motivation. 

Perhaps it is time for Number Four to socialize outside of the Academy.

**Author's Note:**

> Look, you guys, we already know:
> 
>  
> 
> [](http://theemdash.dreamwidth.org/file/17014.gif)  
> 


End file.
